Hello FOOD! I mean isn’t that what this week is all about? We’re kicking off the eating season by roasting massive farm raised birds and then stuffing our faces with carbohydrates that are one with fat and salt (yeah mashed potatoes I’m talking about you…oh and you too stuffing….I see you pumpkin pie).
I thought I would give you some stupid, ridiculous, idiotic tips that work when it comes to sitting down at the dinner table.
Best time ever, right? Before the meal have 8-16 ounces of water. Don’t chug it, sip it. But make sure it is in your body prior to taking your seat. Water is what your body needs – GASP – more than carbs. The water will give you a sensation of being happily satiated before you have a chance to gain five pounds off one plate.
Now here’s the fun part. Pre-drinking can also include having 8 ounces of water and 4 ounces of wine. Wine can be very filling (especially reds). So if you have to be around people you don’t particularly care for this will do a great number on that anxiety. (Not promoting anything there. Ok maybe…)
2. Look at the food first
So you sit down and BOOM it’s like best food ever buffet was placed before you. So what do you do? You start spooning that shiz out like it’s the last meal you will ever have. Slow down you non death row convict. You need to take a moment and stare that food down like a jury. You’re the defense attorney and your client’s fate (your stomach’s) lies at the mercy of those dishes and platters of pure delight.
But seriously – you do not delight in every single thing on that table. AND you aren’t going to hurt anyone’s feelings if you don’t get a “spoonful” of their addition to the meal.
Notice redundancies on the table. Here’s what I mean – fresh green beans on this side and green bean casserole on that side. Same food, different styles, go for the fresh green beans. Sweet potato souffle and sweet potato pie – pick one not both. Roasted potatoes and mashed potatoes – duh you need to choose the roasted but for the love of Tom Turkey maybe we can make an exception this one time and say, OK MASHED!
You want bread? Would you prefer it in stuffing form or roll form?
I think I have made my point.
3. Eat like a lady
I know you want to plow through that plate like your dog does with the leftovers. But may I suggest you truly eat like a lady. That means you use the fork and knife. You cut everything. Don’t you dare use your fingers.
When you take a bite you chew with total awareness of what you just placed in your mouth. Chew and chew and chew until all that is left is reminiscent of Gerber turkey dinner in the jar for ages 6-9 months.
Pause between bites and sip some water er wine er tea.
4. Stop complimenting
Remember how I told you that you didn’t need to eat everything on the table? You also don’t have to compliment everything on the table. It is so unnecessary. The proper time to compliment? AFTER the meal. When the push away period has occurred and the food is about to be removed. That is the perfect time to say, “That was a delicious meal.”
Here’s why – when you are shoveling the carbs and fat into your pie hole you may have this idea you need to eat every single thing on the menu. Why? Because Aunt Gertie may be watching you to make sure you are going to down her cinnamon greenbean hash. Guess what? Who cares. She’s fishing for compliments not necessarily you eating that nasty mess.
One big compliment directed towards everyone will do the job. And save your gut.
5. About that water thing…
When dessert rolls around (no pun intended) sip water with your sweet of choice. Coffee can make you crave more sugar. Who would have thunk it?!
Also, drink your coffee black. If you add sugar and creamer then you have made your dessert choice in a cup.
Basically do not drink your calories if you’re going to feast. Drink water, unsweetened tea, or go ahead and black coffee it up. You will save yourself up to 600 calories just by drinking non caloric beverages.
After dinner is over and the mess is put away – pull on a jacket, coat, parka, and go for a walk. Take in the remainder of life before the Christmas surge hits. Look at the leaves, look at the pumpkins, take it all in. And then take a nap because I know a lot of you little freaks will be going to make the retail nation super happy at 12am.
I am so very thankful for you.