Where the hell do I start?
….I don’t want to….
I lost my Chippy last Friday night to a guy in white Dodge truck who didn’t even brake. He slammed her and drove on. She died on impact. I’m a range of emotions – sad, depressed, angry, ready to kick ass, lost, sick. I keep seeing her laying on the couch or hopping up on my bed. I go for walks and I see the spots she liked to stop at. I see her being stubborn. I see her chilling out under the tree. I even can see her playing with the stupid cat.
The adorable harness I bought her a month ago is still in the kitchen. I cannot put it away. I know she isn’t coming back – trust me I have been over that with my Cammy B over and over and over. But I cannot just erase her from my memory either.
She was my third baby. She was my sounding board. I spend a lot of time alone and she was my buddy. She kept me company and she genuinely loved me with all her heart.
And boy did she love these kids. They were her people.
So to the man who thought it was a good idea to not pay attention or even stop to say a simple I’m sorry, I’m sorry you killed my dog. To myself, who has felt like it was my own fault, I know it wasn’t. I opened the door, she went out in rain (she hated rain), I knew she’d turn around as soon as she got wet, but she opted not to. Amanda, it isn’t your fault either. To my daughter who felt like it was her fault because she “gave the cats too much attention” – Chippy didn’t think that way. She was interested in them too. She didn’t feel as if she was in the background. She just wished she had thumbs to pick them up too.
…..the next day…..
I couldn’t tell my baby boy that his best buddy was gone. So my mom texted me bright and early Saturday morning she had a little black dog for Harper to meet. I cannot bounce from a pet to another pet. I didn’t get that chromosome from my dad. I felt like I was going to vomit really. We cannot just fill a void so quickly. We need to mourn. But he’s four years old. He doesn’t understand death. And he fell in love with a little black dog and we had the strangest conversation….
Harper B: Chippy will have a friend now, mama!
Me: Well buddy I need to tell you something.
Harper B: Chippy is with Minnie isn’t she? (Minnie is my mom’s dog who passed away in December)
Me: (Shocked) Well yeah she is. (He cries briefly)
Harper B: So they are running around together because they were friends.
Me: (Shocked more) Yeah I guess they are.
Harper B: Ok well don’t cry. It will be ok.
I wish we didn’t lose that bright side view point as we age. We can learn a lot from our littles.
…..it takes some getting used to…..
I’m not over the loss of my Chippy. I’m happy that I got to be her mama for a while on earth. I’m happy that she got to be buddies with my children. She taught me to chill out. This new little dude is doing his darndest to ease our heartache and he is doing a good job.
My husband had the week off of work. I had to work Wednesday through Friday. Our long weekend was filled with pool time and laziness. I had hoped to go to the baseball game but we didn’t.
Our Fourth was park time, swimming, hotdogs, and sparklers. We aren’t really go see fireworks people. So we’ll enjoy a good fireworks show at our favorite neighbor’s home this weekend (they have been on a Disney Cruise this week.)
…..this week on the blog….
Here’s to a good and happy weekend!