Gifting Guide (Not to be taken heavily)

I must admit, I do like shopping for other people more than for myself.  To me it is just easier putting together a gift for well, nearly anyone.  When I shop for myself I feel guilty then I feel overly critical of whatever I pick up.  Perhaps this is another defect in my system?

Vintage Christmas card with girls or women carrying wrapped packages.:
via Tumblr

Today I wanted to make a gifting guide that was a little left field instead of straight and narrow.  I wanted to show you what goes through my mind when I am picking out presents for those on my list.  Warning:  This could be scary or incriminating.

Vintage Christmas Photo - Sweet Child Looking in Department Store Window. The 40's or 50's display is similar to the scene in A Christmas Story:
via Street Scene Vintage

When buying for children…

Just make a donation in their name.  They really love it.  It makes them feel special.

And if you are like – Oh my child would love that!  Then go away and do not read this blog.   The little crumb crushing monsters want to unwrap a toy they can play with for thirty-seven minutes only to be bored with by the end of the day.

So like I said – make a donation in their name.

If you have a child to buy for whose parents are not quite on your friends list but you keep them close due to that whole enemy thing; buy them either very loud toys (i.e. time for a drum set) or something that must be fed. Now these are gifts that show love and lack of appreciation so well.

Esther Williams "I looked in my closet and there was  just nothing to wear.....but I found this on the roof. ":
Clearly Esther Williams had everything.  Maybe a furlined winter bikini would be a good gift?

People who have everything but I have to buy a gift for.

I just cut out pictures of homeless people from newspapers and paste it onto construction paper and write – you’re welcome.

It is supposed to serve as a reminder of all they have but generally just pisses them off.

If you are not looking to anger anyone I hear socks are a good, safe gift.  Speaking of socks I have had a request that I actually buy someone socks.  I was thinking – whew this will be easy!  Then I found out one pair is $15 and three pair are $43.  Socks are a hot commodity, folks.

First Saturday of the 2015 holiday season...12/5/15:
The one in red – she’s the one.

Obnoxious family members or just obnoxious people on your list.

I recommend food.  It goes into their mouth and if you are smart and buy anything that requires extensive chewing they will grant you silence for at least two minutes and you can have a break from the woe is me.

Sassy and Superb. ROFLMAO!                              …:
via viralwomen

Pretentious People.

Ahhh nothing better than the group that the adjective pretentious fits best.  Try buying them a novel written in a different language.  It will go great with that bottle of Shiraz they paid last month’s mortgage money for.

I can't even begin to describe how very true this is.  Sometimes I regret the loss of my paycheck, but when I realized that I was starting to despise the entire human race (and that's so not me), I knew it was time to go.:

Teachers & Public Service

Yes, I lump them together.  Anyone who chooses to deal with the public through a government job needs to be lumped together.  The best gift you can get these folks is a head check.  Print off some, “Are you certifiable crazy?” – self diagnosis questionnaires (I’m guessing Pinterest has them) and put them in a pretty little binder with a bow.

This pairs well with Chardonnay and Marlboro Lights.

Before you jump my case remember I come from public service workers.

Anne Taintor: She was one plum pudding away from a yuletide meltdown.:

Stay At Home Moms

Two plans of escape.  Just like the fireman teaches you.  Make a map of the residence and the mini van and let them know the fastest way out.  Trust, they often forget that there is a door leading to the outside world.

Put it in a beautiful frame for added touches of love.

I still love fart jokes

Old People

Sugar.  Buy them mountains of sugary food loaded down with cholesterol and dripping with carbohydrates.  If they are over eighty then they deserve it.  Leave the lotion and socks and personal care items to the Girl Scout troop.  Old people should not dread the holidays and the gifts of imminent death they are given.

They also like hard liquor.  Trust me.  I know this.

Your spouse

Best Christmas present ever.:
Blah blah blah… <wink>


Ladies what he wants isn’t on a shelf.  You can save yourself a bajillion dollars.  Just psyche yourself out with your favorite vino.

Men what she wants is probably on a shelf and costs a bajillion dollars so suck it up and buy it.  You’ll be happy with my advice to her so do it.

And that is all, friends.  I hope I made your last-minute shopping a bit easier.

Now I am off to make a map of two escape routes for a few nut balls I know!



15 thoughts on “Gifting Guide (Not to be taken heavily)”

  1. Girl, once again you made my day with your supreme writing, sarcasm and wit! I love this so much I cannot even tell you and I’m going to share this with all the ladies in my office so we can get our chuckles for the day because boy do we all have people like this on our list! You are the bomb Diggity girl! xo

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Amanda… where have you been all my life? Why did I waste all my time at Toys R Us and now Sephora when I could be making a gift donation in my girls’ names. I’m returning everything tomorrow!! I’ll steer them in your direction when they open the card and see I made a donation instead of that wickedly expensive mascara and lip gloss ala Kardashian. And btw… I wouldn’t mind a bottle of Chardonnay and Marlboro lights in my stocking. You can keep the expensive socks.

    Liked by 1 person

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